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Since the history of the spoken (or grunted) word, men and women have been speaking different languages. They've employed the same lexicography to almost antithetical ends. Some have seen a single word destroy decades-long relationships. How many times have I stood, vodka and cranberry-drenched, watching an otherwise rational woman walk away from me, leaving me to shrug, "What did I say?!"

Well, we all can do something about this unfortunate reality! To misappropriate a line from Jerry Maguire, "Help us help us!" So, what I'm asking is your help in putting together a dictionary to assist in the need for men and women to better understand what each other is saying. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the 2006 MALE-FEMALE/FEMALE-MALE DICTIONARY!

A majority of misundersting is in what many words mean to the respective gender. The word, NICE, for instance, could have two completely different meanings dependent on which sex says and/or hears it. If a girl says "you look nice" to a guy, it is usually a compliment. Ditto, perhaps, if a guy says it to a girl, but that is only if that compliment was unprompted. However, if a girl has spent 3 1/2 hours primping and preening and, presenting herself to you, asks how she looks, "you look nice" is hardly compensatory. It might render the balance of your romantic evening riddled with the well-documentated "Nothing!" as you repeatedly ask her what's wrong. (It's flip side best explained as when a guy asks his female partner to rate his sexual performance, and she responds with a placating "You were FINE.")

Other popular discrepancies of language between boys and girls include "What are you thinking?", "I'll call you", and even the term "dating". So let's clear all of this up for each other. Let us put together a dictionary to assist our understanding each other. We can make our romantic worlds a better place!

Here are a few examples:

LATE, adj.,
def.: tardy, not on-time
Male def.: (for a date) 5-10 minutes tardy for both the male and the female
Fem. Def.:(for a date) 10-12 seconds tardy for the guy, 45-50 minutes for the female
Related items: (If a party is going to be LATE): the male must call the female at least 30 minutes in advance to avoid scrutiny and scolding, the female need only call the male to make sure he is still waiting for her, regardless of how long he's been waiting!

ARGUMENT, noun,
def.: disagreement, the verbalization of strong differences of opinion
Male def.: disagreement, the verbalization of strong differences of opinion
Fem. def.: ANY thought, word or action that counters the will, want or wishes of the female
Related items: The female reserves the right to desist all conversations until the male first apologizes for the disagreement and then convincingly assents to her point of view

Now, obviously I'm a guy and those two examples smack of partisanship. This is supposed to be all very tongue-in-cheek, and welcome--implore--women to put in their two cents!

Have fun, possibly learn something, and remember that the priority is levity, not malice. I look forward to your submissions!

Poor Julia Roberts. She disappeared a few years ago to become a mom and spend more time with her family. And we, her adoring public, let her. It was yet another of Julia's noble causes. The most noble, many would say. And she left with all of our love! It's been 4 years since Erin Brockovich and her Oscar win and winning Oscar dress and her cute acceptance speech. We loved you, Julia!

Then, she reappeared, out of the blue, and told the world of her plans to appear on Broadway, the storied brightness of the lights of Times Sqaure amplifiable only by her brilliant smile! Oh, yay, America's Sweetheart playing the Great White Way! Cue the press and paparazzi!

Then things got ugly.

The critics fully earned their moniker and universally panned Julia's performance in Richard Greenberg's "Three Days of Rain". Turns out the writng had started to appear on the wall when actress Patricia Clarkson, who had originated the role and garnered high praise for her turn in the same role, was disinvited to the opening, to avoid comparison.

Then, hot on the heels of Earth Day, there was the cover of upcoming issue of Vanity Fair, which features Miss Roberts, along without cohorts George Clooney, Al Gore, and Robert Kennedy, Jr., as Hollywood's leading Earth Defender. Another noble cause, except for the photos of her being driven around from TV appearance to press junket to stage in a possible calvalcade of gas-guzzling SUVs. So, now, on top of the thousands of disapproving words written on behalf of the professional Julia Roberts, they are being equaled by the op-ed rantings and responses to the personal Julia Roberts.

I don't know how to Q ratings are measured, but I can almost hear it crashing! All I can think, curiously, is that her "cache" could have been maintained at it's ace-high status had she only stayed "invisible". That realization prompting me to theorize high that "invisiblity" may have, could have, or should have been an asset to someone's professional career.

Yet, no matter how noble the cause, both characters need other criminals with absolutely no moral agenda to assist in the commission of these crimes. Armed with little else than occasional wit and sporatic good looks, these are people who, in the real world, you would pay higher taxes to keep off the streets and out of your cities.

Yet, week after week, we are being conditioned to hope that these criminals complete their wrongdoings with as little incident as possible as we cheer quietly when the police and their efforts are bested. Maybe the pendulum is swinging away from the ever-predictable brilliance of our CSI criminalists and our LAW & ORDER protectors and prosecutors. Is there a backlash to Monk that I am unaware of?

André Braugher's character on Thief, Nick, hosts fellow thieves in his home where his step-daughter witnesses his shooting of a coked-out partner; our reaction is supposed to be concern, however, that this murder, along with the same-day death of her birth mother, doesn't exacerbate the already strained and bitter relationship between Nick and child!

It appears the writing had been on the wall already; even notable "good guys" have recently resorted to usurping the law, to our critical and popular praises. Detective Vic Mackey on THE SHIELD and Federal Agent Jack Bauer of 24 have found it repeatedly necessary to bend--or obliterate--the rules of conduct and procedure to apprehend their villains, as we forgive the consequential collateral damage for pursuit of that "greater good".

So it's no great step of acceptance to root for the bad guy altogether. We've been doing it for decades; from Bonnie & Clyde to Dog Day Afternoon to The Sopranos to gangster rap and Grand Theft Auto, we are fascinated by how the bad element function, operate, and camaflauge themselves in our day-to-day existence.

We humanize them by giving them the same foibles and anxieties, the same delusions and dreams, as you and I. Their will, heart, drive, ambition, and fearlessness qualities we wished we posessed ourselves; our agenda not to perform evil or hurt others, necessarily, but to take risks, buck the system, subvert authority, oh boy!