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HAVE BEEN TRYING TO incorporate "Deadwood-speak" into my daily vernaculations, much to the interest or amusement of absolutely no one, so was I ever glad to find that my colleague and fellow lover of language, LEXIPHANE, not only also shares my love for this HBO series--much so for its script's florid and melliflous pentameters, interspersed with every word George Carlin warned us about 25 years ago--and has found another fan who has made a short film, entitled Deadwood Pancakes, available on YouTube.com, celebrating and parodying the vocal stylings that we adore and will sorely miss when the series bows out for good in a matter of weeks.

In the interest of full disclosure, I couldn't get this video to play in either of my browsers, which is why I'm glad and grateful Lexiphane transcribed the best part of the video:

AM KNOWN AS A Jagermeister drinker, something many folks hope I would have outgrown by now. Not so much. I started drinking Jager 20 years ago, before it was even marketed to college kids. My roommate at the time, Dieter, a German-American, bartended at the German restaurant his family owned, called the Heidelberg.

After I finished bartending during the day, I'd take my friends and customers over to the Heidelberg and hang out at the bar there while Dieter would ply his trade while plying us with shots of Jager for hours. Obviously cheaper then, especially for a German restaurant, the real benefit for Dieter was that he could go shot for shot with his customers and still have enough presence of mind to count out the register at night.

I adopted this philosophy and, to this day, realize that, more so than any other liquor, I maintain the greatest (although not great) frame of mind when drinking the stuff, as opposed to former favorites tequila and vodka, which made me more prone to blackouts.

The obvious rumors have been that Jager, at one point, used to contain opium, which it did, that Germans used it for medicinal purposes, which they did and still do, and that it contains deer blood, which snopes.com refutes thusly:

HIS WAS ON THE Today Show this morning, so it must be news: there is a new category of men that harkens back to the old qualities of men. This new type of man eschews prettification rituals such as pedicures and exfoliation. This new man has been agressively marketed to via, as I have mentioned before, meat-lovers pizzas and burgers, and sport-loving beer-drinking.

This new man has no idea of new hair care products nor has he a care in this season's shirts are about stripes or solid colors. This new man could not care less about earth tones, fusion cuisine, or 2-button versus 3-button blazers.

This new man, who woman are admitting they are finding the most attractive these days, is not a new man at all, but the old man. Out are the examples of David Beckham and Jude Law and in are present representations Russell Crowe and James Gandolfini.

Yes, gone are the days and incarnations of the Metrosexual (and my self-proclaimed "ghettrosexual" nights); today's epitome of desirable testosterone production is the "new" man, and he is called, the Retrosexual.

What I find most amusing about this development is that, by its very definition, the Retrosexual would be the very last person interested in any of this--"Don't define me, feed me!"--and would find no compliment in being labled as such.

But that would never stop the purveyors of pop culture from trying to spot, if not create, the next b ig thing. So here is a list of some future incarnations of men that we should all be on the look out for:

HERE IS PRESENTLY A widespread epidemic afflicting our country. And like many epidemics before, it was finally realized a little too late. There have been random, small outbreaks occurring for decades, but because it was undetected, heck, unknown, for so long, it has been allowed to innocuously fester and grow at such an exposnential rate that at present day, many of its victims are anaware they suffer from its effects, having been exposed to it since they were very young.

Most have, in the past, been able to rid themselves of it by adulthood. But in this far more viral day and age, where exposure threatens at almost every turn in and outside the home, it is scant hope to believe we can save ourselves from this disease without consequential long-term and possibly terminal repurcussions.

The affliction I speak of is MMDS, or, scientifically, Mere Mortal Depressive Syndrome. Or should I say "scientifictionally"? Either way, it appears that, in greater numbers, people of all demographics are turning more and more of their attention to superheroes.

No way.... Way...!

Sometimes something happens so shameful, it adds a brick of anxiety into the pit of my stomach. I recently discovered this past Sunday while perusing the New York Times that Jimi Hendrix -- yes, that Jimi Hendrix -- opened -- yes, opened -- for The Monkees -- yes, THOSE Monkees!

JOE BIDEN'S OFF-THE-CUFF REMARK ABOUT INDIANS AT 7-11s AND DUNKIN' DONUTS...!

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First, the RAZR, then the ROKR and the SLVR. Stay tuned for the BREATHLZR!

LG Electronics has heard my drunk rantings and the has answered the prayers of many objects of other people's affections by introducing the LG4100, a breathalyzer-integrated cell phone.

According to Erin Calabrese's article in The New York Post:

"Upon blowing your ... breath into the sensor, it determines if your blood-alcohol content is over the .o8 limit with the same technology used by the police."

If the "breather" is drunk, the cell phone's screen shows a car crashing into pylons.

The article doesn't clarify whether the cell phone will prohibit the user from making outgoing calls is he or she is drunk. The caller can, however, "...turn off access to selected numbers after a specified time of day" -- a drunk-dialing feature I've been campaigning for for years. However, my version would guarantee you couldn't call or text anyone if you're drunk, the downside being, of course, not being able to dial 911 if you are drunk and happen to get into an accident.

South Korea has sold almost a quarter of a million of these phones and LG plans to make them available stateside shortly.

Hopefully, they will next offer (read, make us pay for) a service that will block calls and text messages from particular callers. It would be like a Friends & Family plan; I'd call it the Exes & Stalkers plan.

I know I'd be on a few other girls' list, but even that possible misfortune would save me money....

...Money I could be spending on drinks...!