Retro Grade
HIS WAS ON THE Today Show this morning, so it must be news: there is a new category of men that harkens back to the old qualities of men. This new type of man eschews prettification rituals such as pedicures and exfoliation. This new man has been agressively marketed to via, as I have mentioned before, meat-lovers pizzas and burgers, and sport-loving beer-drinking.
This new man has no idea of new hair care products nor has he a care in this season's shirts are about stripes or solid colors. This new man could not care less about earth tones, fusion cuisine, or 2-button versus 3-button blazers.
This new man, who woman are admitting they are finding the most attractive these days, is not a new man at all, but the old man. Out are the examples of David Beckham and Jude Law and in are present representations Russell Crowe and James Gandolfini.
Yes, gone are the days and incarnations of the Metrosexual (and my self-proclaimed "ghettrosexual" nights); today's epitome of desirable testosterone production is the "new" man, and he is called, the Retrosexual.
What I find most amusing about this development is that, by its very definition, the Retrosexual would be the very last person interested in any of this--"Don't define me, feed me!"--and would find no compliment in being labled as such.
But that would never stop the purveyors of pop culture from trying to spot, if not create, the next b ig thing. So here is a list of some future incarnations of men that we should all be on the look out for:
CONTROSEXUAL - a guy who likes to disagree with people, especially women, just for the sake of being different, standing out, or, at the very least, being memorable. A contrarian with a base agenda
BENTOSEXUAL, right - a man who, by design, only eats at ethnic restaurants. He usually orders the most culturally indigenous and outrageous thing on the menu to prove how "international" his tastes are. Usually a closet racist
COSMOSEXUAL - a guy who tries to prove he's secure in his manhood by ordering himself "girly" drinks such as sour apple martinis
HYDROSEXUAL - usually someone who is in Alcoholics Anonymous who, although he only drinks water, tips as if he were ordering real drinks. Not to be confused with an Aquasexual, a man, found only at a pool or at the beach, who doesn't swim or engage in any water activity, but constantly dips in and out of the water so that others can admire how good he looks when he is wet
PYROSEXUAL - one who at first comes off as extremely passionate, but turns out to have a mercurially uncontrollable temper. Many have been burned by this person
TIVOSEXUAL - any person who can't leave for a date without first making sure that their DVR is programmed to record all the right shows
INTROSEXUAL - a man who keeps his pent-up sexual frustration to himself, offering himself to his date as a perfect gentlemen, professing to not be prone to even the most normal and common hormonal urges. This guy will spoon with his date overnight, but the moment she leaves the following morning, breaks out a bunker's reserve of porn and has a fervid "ménage a moi"
JOURNOSEXUAL - someone who impresses the ladies with how they were at the same party as the bold-faced celebrity names mentioned in Page Six of The New York Post. This usually means they were outside all night on line at the club where they never actually saw said celebs
CRYOSEXUAL - a guy who acts really cold to women just to get them to notice them. A quieter version of a contrasexual, usually because once they open their mouths, they have very little of any intelligence to say
NICOSEXUAL - that dinosaur of a guy who still thinks smoking makes him look more attractive
MOMASEXUAL - a guy who tries to impress you with his overwhelming knowledge of all things artistic. See also, Librosexual (...all things literary), Cinesexual (film), Vinosexual (wine), Gastrosexual (food), and spec., Ottosexual, someone who only dines at, or, more often the case, only knows about, restaurants owned by celebrity TV chefs
EXOSEXUAL, left - a guy who looks like they'd be great in bed on the outside, but once in the sack, alas, no.... Not to be confused with an...
OUTROSEXUAL - which is a guy who always, to women and to his guy friends, brags about his prowess, size, stamina, etc., but once in the sack, again, alas, no.... This is the guy that, when he sees an ex-lover at a party or a club, immediately wants to leave and offers no explanation why
