] kac [ weblog ]

The Washington Post Neologism Winners

2007-01-31T19:44:17Z

Just received from my good friend Walter Rittman; thought I'd share it with the rest of you word-lovers...! -]kac[

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men .

"You Can't Manhandle the Truth!"

2007-01-24T17:26:56Z

HE PROVERBIAL "THEY" SAY often, "the truth hurts", but then again, "no pain, no gain". They also say "the truth shall set you free" and also "freedom is power" (knowledge is also power, which devines through another permutation of hypothetical syllogism that knowledge is truth, which is none-too-heady logic!).

Yet, in a global mindset that allows for these tenets, why is the world so afraid to be honest with its people? Beacuse they won't have power over them. Yet they choose to risk alienating the people who are smart enough smell their BS; who, in their numbers alone, should be as powerful, if not more so, than the supposed "powers that be"!

]]> Let's start small.... As a native New Yorker, and a big fan of all the Law & Order franchises, one may understand my frustration while watching CSI: NY, which so insultingly shoots in L.A. It's one thing to suffer sitcoms--including Seinfeld--from the last few decades that shot on similar (if not the same) studio sets, or movies where Toronto have served as an Empire City backdrop.

Turns out, the entire CSI franchise shoots in L.A! Fraudulent, I agree. Did you know that furtune cookies were created in America? Restaurants in China didn't start making or serving them until the late 90s--that's 1990s, A.D.! Many of the non-English words on Chinese food menus aren't really Chinese at all.

Remember the Italian actor who played the American Indian who shed a tear over someone throwing a half-empty cup onto the highway? Wasn't it a Italian explorer who "discovered" America, which eventually started the near wipeout of the American Indian (as we know, called Indians because Colombus--whose real name is actually Christobal Colon--thought he had discovered India?

I love the shock of telling some old school-minded "purists" who still voice their preference for a "true" America, and how America doesn't need any immigrants. I especially loved telling someone, a couple of decaces ago, who was expounding how ethnic groups like the Italians represented a rising criminal element and were completely not what America is about, that America was named for an Italian: merchant, explorer and cartographer, Amerigo Vespucci.

Though these misrepresentations provided a source of amusement, the amusement stops when there are lives at stakes. I don't usually discuss politics in my blogs--ironic since the present ubiquity of blogs was spawned by political discussion--but when we are losing the lives of young men and women in a supposed effort to bring democracy to a country, it would be nice to be that shown example of democracy at work.

However, it seems that our President boldly and openly insists he will not hear the words of anyone who doesn't support him. How refreshing that the country voted for a change of course; how dictatorial that the President says he doen't care. Democrats, even some Republicans, voicing their opinions and alternatives to the present course of action--and the new proposal for "more of the same", and it may make no difference at all?! Then what as the use of voting for all of these people?

It becomes more evident every political season how powerless the American public is. The logic is not faulty, but dangerously misleading: The only way to win in Iraq is to stay until the job is done. That is the identical rational of a gambler who argues the only way to win his lost earnings back is to keep throwing money, our "money", on the table. (How ironic, again, that a casino is probably that only place where an American Indian would want the "white man's" stay to be longer!)

Not that it is so easy to just "walk away from the table" in Iraq; whatever mess that would be left would make us look worse, weak, and unmighty in our enemies' eyes, and reckless bullies in the eyes of any country that used to or still supports our actions.

It's just that I would prefer the truth (I hear a Jack Nicholson movie quote here in the back of my head!). I choose to believe that the present administration is not just trying to preserve the President's legacy, but our own as well--I don't believe however that is the only reason they want to stay in Iraq!

The most honest quote of recent note was when President Bush declared that he was "The Decider". Victim of derision by pretty much every comic and/or pundit, but refreshingly to the point. Our democracy really only works because politicians will say--far, far more than they will do--anything to curry favor with the American public to gain political office. Once there, their obligation to that same public dwindles expenentially, until, of course, the next election season.

So when the top politician boldly states during his mandatory last two years in office that popular opinion, as well as that of the House and Senate, does not matter, it exposes the truth about the president and the lack thereof of the democracy that voted him such. We chose him to do our bidding, so to speak, and he has generally, genuinely given us the bird. And there is nothing we can do about it (at least for the next two years)!

Our democracy works only to the extent that we believe it works, and so it does. We believe CSI: Miami is filmed in Miami because we choose to, and we don't know any better. And even when we do know better, we are willing to accept it nonetheless. McDonald's years ago stopped showing commercials where vegetables were being cut on wood cutting boards, cheese was freshly sliced, and hunks of steak were being freshly ground; but since no one ever saw that when they got to McDonald's--where their kitchen looks more like a Dupont lab where the "cooks" all were long white coats. Yet once there, forgive the atmosphere and order our Happy Meals anyway.

We accept our democracy the way it is, as well as the very real freedom we have to even criticize it. However, it would be more prudent in the long run--for the American public, less so for politicians--that the bulk of the "powers that be" of We, the People, on Election Day, is in choosing the "powers that be" of I, the Deciders to patronize and near condescend to us for 2, 4 or 6 years at a time.

Not that I trust the same people who can't decide on which celebrety is a better dancer to decide on issues of national security and foreign relations; just let those same people know that, whether or not the government thinks they can handle the truth or not, the government, for the most part, has decided that they don't deserve the truth.

Are You There, Maude? It's Me, Margeret

2006-12-16T13:32:36Z

N THE EVENT THAT I do produce my own offspring, and any number of them happen to be female, I will have to sequester them from the outside, media-obsessed, "flaunt-it-if-you-got-it" mentality of the "women" of today who presently serve as role models to our young girls. Gone are the days of the empowered, intelligent, fighting-to-NOT-be-objectified, professionally-minded, demanding to be respected women of yesteryear, their struggles to be presented and accepted as equals in smarts, strength, and character, seemingly long forgotten.

In the 70s, 80s and 90s, America's young women--really, all youth--had female role models of mental and emotional maturity to look up, to respect, to admire, and to aspire to. Conversely, in this, the new millenium, 16-year old girls are only too grateful to have their daddies pay Paris Hilton up to $15,000 to have Miss Hilton appear at their daughters' sweet 16 party. Young women used to sing about "roaring" to be "heard"; now they boast about their "hips" and "humps". They used to fight--metaphorically--for equal rights, equal standing, equal treatment, and equal pay; now they fight--literally--for the attentions of an overaged, former rap star/jester named Flava Flav!

The All-TIME 100 Albums

2006-11-15T15:22:26Z

N THE HEELS OF its very popular All-TIME 100 Movies and All-TIME 100 Novels, TIME Magazine this week has launched its All-TIME 100 ALBUMS. Arguably the most contentiously subjective list of the bunch, the archive of albums has inspired as much reaction from TIME readers and TIME.com subscribers for who it mentions as much as for who it doesn't.

Anyway, the list is broken down by decade, going as far back as the 50s and up through, obviously, the first half of our present 00s (ironically enough, the most recent addition, The Essential Hank Williams Collection: Turn Back the Years, which came out last year, is from an artist whose heyday was some 50 years ago). There are other such surprises--two Radiohead albums and no GnR!--and more not so much--usual supsects Beatles, Rolling Stones, Michael Jackson--and an opportunity to write back to the TIME music editors about any other personal, salacious indignations the All-TIME 100 Albums list has assaulted upon you!

]]> Yes, I used to work for TIME and am still supportive of the magazine and the brand it represents, so you could accuse me of shilling; but, moreso than movies and books, everyone is pasionately adamant about music and at the very least, this is a great opportunity for my generation to instruct the younger generation of what great, pioneering, defining music is beyond the Gloria Gaynor and Bon Jovi they insist on singing at every karaoke joint I've been to!

Now, "Discuss amongst yourselves...!"

Whenever I Call You Friend...

2006-10-31T19:24:46Z

HAVE, ACCORDING TO Friendster, MySpace & Flickr, some several hundred friends, 75% at the very least of which I have never met, nor will I ever meet! Half of that 75% I haven't corresponded with since adding them as a friend--or being added as their friend--and the other half I consider not so much friends than complete strangers I have absolutely no obligation to whose "interestingness" has afforded me the curiosity enough to know them by their real first name, not just their screen name. And although most seem like most genial folk, none of these "friends" would I ever let apartment-sit, lend money to, or seek support from in a time of crisis.

Most of the remaining 25% of my online friends, the ones I do know, or at least have met, I must be honest, are social acquaintances. But they are welcome in my home at almost any time, and there is very little I wouldn't do for them. I enjoy our common interests, respect our differences and appreciate their personality and, on most occasions, wisdom. These are my real friends, not the hundreds of people who have checked out my profile at least--and often, only--once, but the people who I depend on on a regular basis, whether for a shoulder to lean on or just someone to do shots with!

But most people, especially the younger set who seem for the most part to not know any better, don't seem to be able to discern the difference and have long misappropriated the definition of the word "friend", usually and often to mankind's detrition. The fault, for once, lies not within society itself, always a redefining evolution of mores and practices. No, the fault lies in the most innocent and innocuous of modern conveniences: the Internet.

]]> The Internet, or the idea of it, goes back to the late 1960s to its original inception as ARPANET, created by some very smart people at UCLA and for the Department of Defense who wanted to be able to distribute large packets of data and intel for one set of military networks to another (my representations may seem either trite or pedestrian; for a more succint, fleshed-out and properly sourced history of the internet, CLICK HERE). Long, very short, other newtorks were created for other fields (research, science, industry) using ARPANET as an evolving model along with radio and satellite communications info-sharing protocols.

Al Gore did NOT create the Internet; he DID help the availability of the Internet get pushed through (read, funded by) government for much of its commercial use we couldn't imagine living without today. And yours truly, a web designer and blogger, couldn't be more grateful. But there are several downsides to modern-day world wide web-ibility that are getting by globally unnoticed.

Need proof? Paris Hilton was created by the Internet! If it wasn't for the ease of speed and volume of distributing pictures of her pantyless getting out of SUVs or that green-tinted amateur video, 80% of the world would still have no idea--or give a crap--who she was! Janet Jackson's Nipplegate would still be just a theory of possibly inebriated memory and not the million time-documented and emailed reality that cost CBS a half million+ dollars in fines and millions of dollars more in advertisers.

In fact, when I was 12 years old and wanted to get my hands on some smut, it took a 5-boy unit of me and my classmates to orchestrate and execute a plan worthy of a college football playbook or The A-Team to distract the corner newsstand guy by 2 of us asking for a Car & Driver or Field & Stream situated high and behind him while another of us put his bookbag on the stack of Penthouse magazines while yet another slid the Penthouse into his book binder, then handed the binder to the fifth party out of view behind the newsstand. We'd walk in separate directions and reconvene in Riverside park to draw straws to decide in what order each of us would get to take the mag home for private and personal perusal (you'd really want to be first or second...).

Now I have to go into my browser preferences and change my settings to filter out adult pop-ups. Do you understand what I'm saying? I have to block porn! Only because it is so easily and readily available. If I ever have a son, I can imagine starting this generational tirade: " When I was your age, we had to to plan and work with a likewise able and skilled team to get our porn!"

But the proliferation of smut shouldn't be our only concern. People have adamantly as of late spoken viscerally against the NSA's wire-tapping of civilian phones and the broad strokes of license in the fine print of the Patriot Act, citing both as an invasion of privacy. Do you want to guess where much of this vitriolic concern is published. By pure number of words, not in print but on the internet. The irony here is that the complaint of invasion of privacy is being debated on our least private medium; yes, the Internet!

The adage-turned-tagline involving Las Vegas goes, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Well, what happens on the internet stays on the Internet, and is a whole lot easier to get to than Las Vegas! I'm not just talking about vitals, such as name or address (although this is information people should be more careful about sharing, as the woman who had a hitman hired by her friend's girlfriend to kill her found out after the women who wanted her dead got her number and home address from the almost victim's MySpace page). Nor am I talking about financial information like credit cards, banks or even SSN#s, even though it was more than a odd coincidence who, less than a month after I file my taxes on line for the very first time, I receive a letter from the IRS about tariff monies owed them from 1998, a year I guess I "forgot" to file.

No, I'm talking about real personal shit. Google keeps a record of every search of every user ever! You can delete the search history from your hard drive; Google can reproduce using your IP address within seconds. On the Internet, people have a tendency to relate some of their most personal and private intimacies to complete strangers in an emails and chat rooms, thoughts, ideas, fantasies they would never share with those closest to them. Why people would feel safer acting this way on the Internet is beyond me, just like why these same folks are surprised that someone saved these correspondences. I myself have been done in, to lesser degrees, for some spiritually-induced vitriol I have texted some girl (and, yes, satellite, as well as radio, are major camponents of the Internet).

But the very thing that people use more than anything else, the most personalized piece of hardware in their home, is the very thing that could irreparably destroy their lives. I've seen enough People's Courts, Law & Orders, Columbine copycat wannabees, NBC Datelines and Mark Foleys to realize that, although you can destroy a disc drive, the stuff from it over the Internet--these easily traceable one-and-zero permutations--live on immune and impermable to everything save encryption and de-encryption. Add the Internet to that list that already contains death and taxes!

The Internet is inarguably convenient. Like most people, it does help me stay in touch with people my busy schedule keeps me from talking to more regularly. But it also adds the risk of making me dependent. Even the amount of time I spend writing these blogs could be better spent over an early dinner in the good company of a great friend. Geography and schedules conflict in a city like New York, and that early dinner becomes more and more difficult to make happen. Would I rather have an even semi-in-depth, in-person conversation with each of my true friends than blind-carbon-copy email them links to my blogs? Of course. But not possible, for most people.

Maybe this is way the Internet has become most people's best friend whether they realize it or not. It's always there for them, and it never judges. For me, the line will never blur. My friends are not people who I can only identify by a 48 pixel x 48 pixel screen icon. Like the Internet, friends can evolve over time and reinvent itself; however, unlike the Internet, true friendships help you evolve, too!

A Million Ways | Music Video

2006-10-13T02:19:58Z

A video I made--my first!--for a recent song I composed, produced and perform on, as it appears on YouTube (Hi, Google!!):

To see the music video in all its higher-resolution glory, CLICK HERE!

Things We Should Know (or Forgot to Remember) | U.S. Presidents

2006-10-10T00:21:56Z

PRESIDENT
Vice President

s1. George Washington (1789-1797)
spacJohn Adams (1789-1797)

s2. John Adams (1797-1801)
spacThomas Jefferson (1797-1801)

s3. Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809)
spacAaron Burr (1801-1805); George Clinton (1805-1809)

]]> s4. James Madison (1809-1817)
spacGeorge Clinton (1809-1812); none (1812-1813); Elbridge Gerry (1813-1814); none (1814-1817)

s5. James Monroe (1817-1825)
spacDaniel D. Tompkins (1817-1825)

s6. John Quincy Adams (1825-1829)
spacJohn C. Calhoun (1825-1829)

s7. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837)
spacJohn C. Calhoun (1829-1832); none (1832-1833); Martin Van Buren (1833-1837)

s8. Martin Van Buren (1837-1841)
spacRichard M. Johnson (1837-1841)

s9. William Henry Harrison (1841)
spacJohn Tyler (1841)

s10. John Tyler (1841-1845)
spacnone (1841-1845)

s11. James K. Polk (1845-1849)
spacGeorge M. Dallas (1845-1849)

s12. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850)
spacMillard Fillmore (1849-1850)

s13. Millard Fillmore (1850-1853)
spacnone (1850-1853)

s14. Franklin Pierce (1853-1857)
spacWilliam King (1853); none (1853-1857)

s15. James Buchanan (1857-1861)
spacJohn C. Breckinridge (1857-1861)

s16. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865)
spacHannibal Hamlin (1861-1865); Andrew Johnson (1865)

s17. Andrew Johnson (1865-1869)
spacnone (1865-1869)

s18. Ulysses S. Grant (1869-1877)
spacSchuyler Colfax (1869-1873); Henry Wilson (1873-1875); none (1875-1877)

s19. Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881)
spacWilliam Wheeler (1877-1881)

s20. James A. Garfield (1881)
spacChester Arthur (1881)

s21. Chester Arthur (1881-1885)
spacnone (1881-1885)

s22. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889)
spacThomas Hendricks (1885); none (1885-1889)

s23. Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893)
spacLevi P. Morton (1889-1893)

s24. Grover Cleveland (1893-1897)
spacAdlai E. Stevenson (1893-1897)

s25. William McKinley (1897-1901)
spacGarret Hobart (1897-1901); Theodore Roosevelt (1901)

s26. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909)
spacnone (1901-1905); Charles Fairbanks (1905-1909)

s27. William Howard Taft (1909-1913)
spacJames S. Sherman (1909-1912); none (1912-1913)

s28. Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921)
spacThomas R. Marshall (1913-1921)

s29. Warren G. Harding (1921-1923)
spacCalvin Coolidge (1921-1923)

s30. Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929)
spacnone (1923-1925); Charles Dawes (1925-1929)

s31. Herbert Hoover (1929-1933)
spacCharles Curtis (1929-1933)

s32. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-1945)
spacJohn Nance Garner (1933-1941); Henry A. Wallace (1941-1945); Harry S Truman (1945)

s33. Harry S. Truman (1945-1953)
spacnone (1945-1949); Alben Barkley (1949-1953)

s34. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961)
spacRichard Nixon (1953-1961)

s35. John F. Kennedy (1961-1963)
spacLyndon B. Johnson (1961-1963)

s36. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-1969)
spacnone (1963-1965); Hubert Humphrey (1965-1969)

s37. Richard Nixon (1969-1974)
spacSpiro Agnew (1969-1973); none (1973); Gerald Ford (1973-1974)

s38. Gerald Ford (1974-1977)
spacnone (1974); Nelson Rockefeller (1974-1977)

s39. Jimmy Carter (1977-1981)
spacWalter Mondale (1977-1981)

s40. Ronald Reagan (1981-1989)
spacGeorge Bush (1981-1989)

s41. George Bush (1989-1993)
spacDan Quayle (1989-1993)

s42. Bill Clinton (1993-2001)
spacAl Gore (1993-2001)

s43. George W. Bush (2001- )
spacDick Cheney (2001- )

World Pizza Day

2006-09-07T20:56:23Z

ODAY IS WORLD PIZZA Day! Not to be confused with INTERNATIONAL PIZZA DAY, which is July 1st. I guess it's kind of like the difference between Miss Universe and Miss Galaxy (there actually is a Miss Galaxy pageant).

From webindia123.com:

The city of Naples, Italy Tuesday prepared to kick off its 11th annual Pizzafest with the first ever World Pizza Day.

Thursday's celebration will draw pizza-makers and lovers from all over the world, including Neapolitans returning from the United States, Australia and Japan, ANSA reports.

The annual festival turns out hundreds of pizzas as it seeks the best Neopolitan pizza maker, ANSA said. This year's celebration will also include a bigger-than-ever exhibit on the history of Naples' most famous export.

Neapolitan Pizza Association President Antonio Pace said his association has no objection to pizzas being made around the world, as long as they respect the rules, ANSA said.

But to know if a pizza tastes as it should, it's better to try it at least once in Naples so you can compare it with those being produced elsewhere, he added.

SOME INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT PIZZA:

]]> • Pizzerias represent 17% of all restaurants.

• Italian food ranks as the most popular ethnic food in America.

• Each man, woman and child in America eats an average of 46 slices (23 pounds) of pizza a year. (source: Packaged Facts, New York)

• Pizza is a $30+ billion per year industry. There are approximately 69,000 pizzerias in the United States. Approximately 3 billion pizzas are sold in the U.S. each year.

• Pepperoni is by far America's favorite topping, (36% of all pizza orders). Approximately 251,770,000 pounds of pepperoni are consumed on pizzas annually. Other popular pizza toppings are mushrooms, extra cheese, sausage, green pepper and onions.

• Barbeque pizza emerged as one of the more popular pizza variations in a 1994 study by the National Restaurant Association. Nearly 33% of menus offered some form of this dish. Other popular variations were Mexican pizza, white pizza, five-cheese combos, non-cheese pies and traditional Italian pizzas such as Margherita, Florentine and new potato pizzas.

• Pizza Hut is the largest pizza purveyor in the world, with 12,583 total restaurants and combination delivery/takeout units in the U.S. and over 90 other countries; 6,590 units are company-owned. Pizza Hut generated approximately $7.7 billion in sales in 1996. (Chain Store Guide.)

• Domino's Pizza is the world leader in delivery, with 5,500 stores in 46 international markets. Domino's reached $2.8 billion in sales in 1996. (Chain Store Guide.)

• Sixty-two percent of Americans prefer meat toppings on their pizza, while 38% prefer vegetarian. (source: Bolla wines)

• Women are twice as likely as men to order vegetable toppings on their pizza. (Source: Bolla wines)

• Papa John's is considered the fastest growing franchise in the country, with 1,160 units generating $613 million in sales in 1996. (Chain Store Guide.)

• Regular thin pizza crust is still the most popular crust, preferred by 61 percent of the population. Thick crust and deep dish tied for second, at 14%. Only 11 percent of the population prefers extra thin. (Source: CREST [Consumer Reports on Eating Share Trends], 1994)

• Three of the top 10 weeks of pizza consumption occur in January. More pizza is consumed during Super Bowl week than any other week of the year. (Source: Kraft Foods, Northfield, Ill.)

• Around the world, toppings vary greatly to reflect regional preferences. In Japan, for instance, eel and squid are favorites. In Pakistan, curry is a big seller. In Russia, red herring is a topping of choice and Australians enjoy shrimp and pineapple on their pies as well as barbecue toppings. Costa Ricans favor coconut. (Courtesy of Numero Uno Pizzeria)

• Over the past five years, pizza has outpaced the growth rate of all other food service items, averaging about 11 percent a year and making it the Number 2 item in foodservice (after burgers). (Source: Food Industry News)

• Pizza is the second most popular takeout food (after chicken) among the over-50 market.

Beloit College's Mindset List for the Class of 2010

2006-08-23T13:18:00Z

S A MEANS FOR its faculty to better identify with its incoming freshman class, Beloit College has provided its teachers with a Mindset List for that year, and has done so every year since 1998. This list will help professors "connect" with their students by realizing and understanding how they grew up and what they grew up with, historically, culturally, technologically, etc.

They release this list to the public at the end of every August, so that the rest of us can feel like old fogeys. The incoming class of 2010 was born in 1988, the year I (would have) graduated college!

To give you an idea, the big songs of 1988 were "Need You Tonight" and "Never Tell Us Apart" by INXS, "Roll With It" by Steve Winwood, "Wishing Well" by Terence Trent Darby, "Wild, Wild West" by Escape Club", "Father Figure" and "Monkey" by George Michael, "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman, "Man in the Mirror", "Dirty Diana" and "The Way You Make Me Feel" by Michael Jackson, "Red, Red Wine" by UB40, "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys, and, believe or not, "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns 'r' Roses!

And now, The Beloit College's Mindset List for the Class of 2010!:

]]> Members of the class of 2010, entering college this fall, were mostly born in 1988. For them: Billy Carter, Lucille Ball, Gilda Radner, Billy Martin, Andy Gibb, and Secretariat have always been dead.

1. The Soviet Union has never existed and therefore is about as scary as the student union.
2. They have known only two presidents.
3. For most of their lives, major U.S. airlines have been bankrupt.
4. Manuel Noriega has always been in jail in the U.S.
5. They have grown up getting lost in "big boxes."
6. There has always been only one Germany.
7. They have never heard anyone actually "ring it up" on a cash register.
8. They are wireless, yet always connected.
9. A stained blue dress is as famous to their generation as a third-rate burglary was to their parents'.
10. Thanks to pervasive headphones in the back seat, parents have always been able to speak freely in the front.
11. A coffee has always taken longer to make than a milkshake.
12. Smoking has never been permitted on U.S. airlines.
13. Faux fur has always been a necessary element of style.
14. The Moral Majority has never needed an organization.
15. They have never had to distinguish between the St. Louis Cardinals baseball and football teams.
16. DNA fingerprinting has always been admissible evidence in court.
17. They grew up pushing their own miniature shopping carts in the supermarket.
18. They grew up with and have outgrown faxing as a means of communication.
19. "Google" has always been a verb.
20. Text messaging is their email.
21. Milli Vanilli has never had anything to say.
22. Mr. Rogers, not Walter Cronkite, has always been the most trusted man in America.
23. Bar codes have always been on everything, from library cards and snail mail to retail items.
24. Madden has always been a game, not a Superbowl-winning coach.
25. Phantom of the Opera has always been on Broadway.
26. "Boogers" candy has always been a favorite for grossing out parents.
27. There has never been a "skyhook" in the NBA.
28. Carbon copies are oddities found in their grandparents' attics.
29. Computerized player pianos have always been tinkling in the lobby.
30. Non-denominational mega-churches have always been the fastest growing religious organizations in the U.S.
31. They grew up in mini-vans.
32. Reality shows have always been on television.
33. They have no idea why we needed to ask "...can we all get along?"
34. They have always known that "In the criminal justice system the people have been represented by two separate yet equally important groups." ["Chung-chung!" -Ed.]
35. Young women's fashions have never been concerned with where the waist is.
36. They have rarely mailed anything using a stamp.
37. Brides have always worn white for a first, second, or third wedding.
38. Being techno-savvy has always been inversely proportional to age.
39. "So" as in "Sooooo New York," has always been a drawn-out adjective modifying a proper noun, which in turn modifies something else
40. Affluent troubled teens in Southern California have always been the subjects of television series.
41. They have always been able to watch wars and revolutions live on television.
42. Ken Burns has always been producing very long documentaries on PBS.
43. They are not aware that "flock of seagulls hair" has nothing to do with birds flying into it.
44. Retin-A has always made America look less wrinkled.
45. Green tea has always been marketed for health purposes.
46. Public school officials have always had the right to censor school newspapers.
47. Small white holiday lights have always been in style.
48. Most of them never had the chance to eat bad airline food.
49. They have always been searching for "Waldo."
50. The really rich have regularly expressed exuberance with outlandish birthday parties.
51. Michael Moore has always been showing up uninvited.
52. They never played the game of state license plates in the car.
53. They have always preferred going out in groups as opposed to dating.
54. There have always been live organ donors.
55. They have always had access to their own credit cards.
56. They have never put their money in a "Savings & Loan."
57. Sara Lee has always made underwear. [Didn't know they made underwear! -Ed.]
58. Bad behavior has always been getting captured on amateur videos.
59. Disneyland has always been in Europe and Asia.
60. They never saw Bernard Shaw on CNN.
61. Beach volleyball has always been a recognized sport.
62. Acura, Lexus, and Infiniti have always been luxury cars of choice.
63. Television stations have never concluded the broadcast day with the national anthem.
64. LoJack transmitters have always been finding lost cars.
65. Diane Sawyer has always been live in Prime Time.
66. Dolphin-free canned tuna has always been on sale.
67. Disposable contact lenses have always been available.
68. "Outing" has always been a threat.
69. Oh, The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss has always been the perfect graduation gift.
70. They have always "dissed" what they don't like.
71. The U.S. has always been studying global warming to confirm its existence.
72. Richard M. Daley has always been the Mayor of Chicago.
73. They grew up with virtual pets to feed, water, and play games with, lest they die.
74. Ringo Starr has always been clean and sober.
75. Professional athletes have always competed in the Olympics.

Did you have a cell phone, iPod and laptop went you went to college? Most incoming freshman will. I'm headed to Duane Reade to get my Icy Hot, Geritol, and Ensure. Have a good day, you old farts!

More Mel-Bashing!

2006-08-17T21:10:42Z

DENIS' EPIPHANOUS DISCOVERY OF A JEWISH FIRST-BASEMAN INSPIRES HIM TO CALL OUT MEL!

Thanks to Malibu Kutt for giving me the inside track on this!!

And while we're at it, I present to you...

CANDID CRITIC'S TOP TEN MOVIE TITLE REJECTED BY MEL GIBSON

The Top Ten Movie Titles Rejected by Mel Gibson, as tallied by my good friends at CandicCritic.com

10.) Payback with Interest

9.) The Man Without a Talis

8.) Lethal Latkes

7.) Maverickberg

6.) Mad Max III: Beyond the Bitter Herbs

5.) Braveheart: Buying At Retail

4.) Bird on a Kibbutz

3.) Manishevitz Sunrise

2.) Mad Max II: The Road Moil

1.) Angry Mordechai

Photoshop of Horrors

2006-08-14T22:07:37Z

DNAN HAJJ HAD BEEN a Middle East-based freelance photographer for Reuters for 10 years. Then he got busted not once, but twice for doctoring Beirut war photos. His defense was that he was trying to clean up random dust and scratch marks off the original image, but after the second photo, of an Isreali F-16 fighter plane, was proven to have the number of flares dropped from said plane increase from one to three, as argued and proven on may websites, including The Shape of Days, Reuters decided to pull all of Hajj's photos from wherever they were being used.

To add insult, it turns out that Mr. Hajj is presently being looked into for staging photos of supposedly greif-stricken victims and for receiving two paychecks--under two different names--for the exact same photos.

Now, to most, this behavior borders on criminal; the one aspect of media that shouldn't be doctored at all is the news. However, for those who have been paying attention, the signs were there all along. Every thing we consume for information, education or edification has been, and is still being, doctored for palatability, or, when it comes to the news, acerbity. For the news, it's Shock & Awe: Criminal Invent; for everyone else, though, it's just business as usual.

That Was MTV, That Was Me...

2006-08-01T15:30:28Z

T IS AUGUST 1ST and VH1 Classic--not MTV or MTV2 or VH1--is replaying the very first 24 hours of MTV to celebrate its 25th anniversary. Yep, MTV is 25 years old and, at 40, I am old enough to remember when it played nothing but very poorly produced videos of great songs by great or soon-to-be-great musicians.

That's how I know I'm old, when I'm having a conversation with a 29-year old woman who doesn't remember life before cable, and doubts the veracity of my claim that MTV's only programming back then was just videos--no reality or award shows, not even MTV News!--and that for the first few years, never even showed commercials! She didn't know that VH1 stood for Video Hits One!

]]> No, I'm not going to rehash how, just like "video killed the radio star", MTV arguably eventually killed the integrity of music, making visual content the definition of a musician more so than the actual music. And I'm sure you can Google "MTV" and find out how MTV was the first channel to feature "urban" music, after much criticism for not remotely doing so at all, with Yo, MTV Raps or what year their Music Video Awards show first drew more viewers than the Grammys. These arguments have been made for almost 10 years by now.

No, what is freaking me out, more than the knowledge that MTV is over two years older than the last girl I was involved with, is that I myself am older than every artist featured on MTV, save possibly the Rolling Stones. Considering that I take serious folks in their 20s and early 30s seriously on a persaon-by-person basis, how wise was it for me to look up to these musical icons when I was a mere 15-year old.

These were the people whose examples I followed more than my own parents, who themselves were 5 years younger then than I am now. Vainly, I avow that I am usually one of the smartest people in my age group. Madonna, Michael Jackson, George Michael, Boy George may retain a sliver of my interest in their music, but I hardly take them as seriously as people anymore. But that's opposed to people like Bono, Sting, who still impress me with what they do with their lives.

MTV, in retrospect, is like the uncle who was cool and always had the baseball cards I wanted or the first edition of the coolest new toy, but after a I did a little growing up, realized was a little crazy. Was MTV a mentor/role model, or more like a crazy uncle I may be happy to see at a family reunion, but would find some reason to not give my phone number to before I left?

And what is MTV to today's youth? Since it was never new to them, it's more like the parent they grew up than the uncle who comes by to visit. It's been telling them since they learned how to work the remote--something I also remember living without--what to wear, who to listen to, and what's important. When the threat of conservatives taking over government and possibly threatening to ban certain explicit content from channels such as, um, MTV, it told kids to get active in politics and vote, but only then! Since then, MTV has offered no initiatives to keep kids even remotely informed of what's going on in the world beyond MTV's 4 channels.

Was I that gullible when I was that young? Am I wrong to miss Uncle MTV while being glad that I outgrew him and while feeling a little sorry for him that he still hangs out with teenagers? Am I wrong to resent at least a little how Uncle MTV kind of dumped me on his slacker friend, Lil' VH1 (whose birth name, most kids don't know, is Video Hits One), who, in the last few years, has introduced me to his dad, VH1 Classic, who seems to be the only one who cares to talk about what I want to talk about?

Either way, Happy Birthday, MTV! I'm glad to see the kids still love you, although I'm afraid I'm going to have to skip the party; I gotta get up in the morning.

Take care, and I'll see you when I see you....

Language Not Dead on Deadwood

2006-07-31T23:45:26Z

HAVE BEEN TRYING TO incorporate "Deadwood-speak" into my daily vernaculations, much to the interest or amusement of absolutely no one, so was I ever glad to find that my colleague and fellow lover of language, LEXIPHANE, not only also shares my love for this HBO series--much so for its script's florid and melliflous pentameters, interspersed with every word George Carlin warned us about 25 years ago--and has found another fan who has made a short film, entitled Deadwood Pancakes, available on YouTube.com, celebrating and parodying the vocal stylings that we adore and will sorely miss when the series bows out for good in a matter of weeks.

In the interest of full disclosure, I couldn't get this video to play in either of my browsers, which is why I'm glad and grateful Lexiphane transcribed the best part of the video:

]]> Pancakes . . . BEFORE watching HBO's "Deadwood"

[roommate stands in front of kitchen range with frying pan]

"Hey Schleigel! You want some pancakes?"

[man at table, cheerful]

"Oh yeah that'd be great! Can I get some butter and syrup?

[roommate, agreeably]

"You GOT it!"

Pancakes . . . AFTER HBO Series "Deadwood"

[roommate stands in front of kitchen range with frying pan]

"Hey Schleigel! You want some pancakes?"

[man chewing furiously on toothpick at table]

"Well I hope within the confines of that most charitable f__king offer, you decide to provide me with the necessary peripherals and accompaniements that I might properly enjoy such a morning time f__king culinary work of f__king art, you stupid son of a bitch! Because if I am not provided with adequate peripherals to that morning time delight for both soul, body, and tatebuds, I shall smack you so f__king hard upside that stupid f__king gimp head of yours, as to knock your contact lens up in the front of your brain, providing you with the moment of f__king clarity in which you willl say out loud to yourself 'Why did I not provide this c__ksucker with the syrup and or butter that he requested at the outset of this f__king breakfast endeavor?' You dumb son of a bitch!"

[roommate, cheerfully]

"You GOT it! C__ksucker"

If you're curious to read some of the actual salty and peppered language offered on the show, check out HBO's Deadwood Best Lines pages to get an idea of what me and my commiserants are so giddy about...!

Deer Hunters

2006-07-28T13:45:39Z

AM KNOWN AS A Jagermeister drinker, something many folks hope I would have outgrown by now. Not so much. I started drinking Jager 20 years ago, before it was even marketed to college kids. My roommate at the time, Dieter, a German-American, bartended at the German restaurant his family owned, called the Heidelberg.

After I finished bartending during the day, I'd take my friends and customers over to the Heidelberg and hang out at the bar there while Dieter would ply his trade while plying us with shots of Jager for hours. Obviously cheaper then, especially for a German restaurant, the real benefit for Dieter was that he could go shot for shot with his customers and still have enough presence of mind to count out the register at night.

I adopted this philosophy and, to this day, realize that, more so than any other liquor, I maintain the greatest (although not great) frame of mind when drinking the stuff, as opposed to former favorites tequila and vodka, which made me more prone to blackouts.

The obvious rumors have been that Jager, at one point, used to contain opium, which it did, that Germans used it for medicinal purposes, which they did and still do, and that it contains deer blood, which snopes.com refutes thusly:

]]> Claim: Jägermeister contains deer or elk blood.

Status: False.

Origins: Once again, another popular darkish beverage has attracted a "something noxious lurking in its depths" rumor. In this case, the liquid in question is Jägermeister, a 70-proof spirit imported from Germany. No blood, just the kick of an army mule (Jägermeister is German for "master hunter," hence the elk head on the label.) Folks recall hearing the rumor about this potable containing elk or deer blood at least as far back as 1992.

Jägermeister is made from 56 herbs, roots, and spices, none of which is blood. Once the 56 ingredients are measured and ground, they are reduced to macerates (extracts) by being steeped in a mixture of cold water and alcohol for two to three days. After the resulting extract has been filtered, it is stored in oak barrels for a period of not less than one year. At the end of this storage time, the extract is filtered once more, mixed with liquid sugar, caramel, alcohol, and water, and filtered yet again. The resultant brew is then ready for bottling.

Were blood one of the ingredients, Jägermeister would not be able to control the brewing results as accurately as it does. Blood would break down during processing, rendering one batch of formula after another unsuitable for use.

Jägermeister in a glass has attracted the blood rumor primarily through two factors: the darkness of the resultant drink and the logo on the bottle. Popular lore is rife with examples of dark-hued liquids that are rumored to hide noisome ingredients, such as schoolyard scuttlebutt that chocolate milk masks the presence of cow blood, and its slightly more sophisticated counterpart that saddles Red Bull with the claim that it is formulated from an extract of bulls' testicles.

Jägermeister inadvertently contributes to the believability of the blood rumor by claiming to use "one or two secret spices" in its formula. This coyness is a common ploy used by products looking to build market share through fostering belief their offerings are so special their recipes must be jealously guarded lest competitors steal their thunder. (Witness how well this has worked for Coca-Cola, for example.) However, the downside of such marketing strategies is the weak position it places companies in when rumors of this nature arise — they can't just point to their ingredients lists in response.

-Barbara Mikkelson

Now, I'm am unfortunately all too aware that getting drunk on Jager does not spare me the hangover--hells, no! But if you are what you eat, then you will be what you drink, and those of us who drink Jagermeister know the extra drive it gives us to explore an entire city for the right party and an entire room for the right boy or girl.

It brings out the "hunter" in us, although by the following morning, it feels like the deer or elk won!

Retro Grade

2006-07-27T21:40:17Z

HIS WAS ON THE Today Show this morning, so it must be news: there is a new category of men that harkens back to the old qualities of men. This new type of man eschews prettification rituals such as pedicures and exfoliation. This new man has been agressively marketed to via, as I have mentioned before, meat-lovers pizzas and burgers, and sport-loving beer-drinking.

This new man has no idea of new hair care products nor has he a care in this season's shirts are about stripes or solid colors. This new man could not care less about earth tones, fusion cuisine, or 2-button versus 3-button blazers.

This new man, who woman are admitting they are finding the most attractive these days, is not a new man at all, but the old man. Out are the examples of David Beckham and Jude Law and in are present representations Russell Crowe and James Gandolfini.

Yes, gone are the days and incarnations of the Metrosexual (and my self-proclaimed "ghettrosexual" nights); today's epitome of desirable testosterone production is the "new" man, and he is called, the Retrosexual.

What I find most amusing about this development is that, by its very definition, the Retrosexual would be the very last person interested in any of this--"Don't define me, feed me!"--and would find no compliment in being labled as such.

But that would never stop the purveyors of pop culture from trying to spot, if not create, the next b ig thing. So here is a list of some future incarnations of men that we should all be on the look out for:]]> CONTROSEXUAL - a guy who likes to disagree with people, especially women, just for the sake of being different, standing out, or, at the very least, being memorable. A contrarian with a base agenda

BENTOSEXUAL, right - a man who, by design, only eats at ethnic restaurants. He usually orders the most culturally indigenous and outrageous thing on the menu to prove how "international" his tastes are. Usually a closet racist

COSMOSEXUAL - a guy who tries to prove he's secure in his manhood by ordering himself "girly" drinks such as sour apple martinis

HYDROSEXUAL - usually someone who is in Alcoholics Anonymous who, although he only drinks water, tips as if he were ordering real drinks. Not to be confused with an Aquasexual, a man, found only at a pool or at the beach, who doesn't swim or engage in any water activity, but constantly dips in and out of the water so that others can admire how good he looks when he is wet

PYROSEXUAL - one who at first comes off as extremely passionate, but turns out to have a mercurially uncontrollable temper. Many have been burned by this person

TIVOSEXUAL - any person who can't leave for a date without first making sure that their DVR is programmed to record all the right shows

INTROSEXUAL - a man who keeps his pent-up sexual frustration to himself, offering himself to his date as a perfect gentlemen, professing to not be prone to even the most normal and common hormonal urges. This guy will spoon with his date overnight, but the moment she leaves the following morning, breaks out a bunker's reserve of porn and has a fervid "ménage a moi"

JOURNOSEXUAL - someone who impresses the ladies with how they were at the same party as the bold-faced celebrity names mentioned in Page Six of The New York Post. This usually means they were outside all night on line at the club where they never actually saw said celebs

CRYOSEXUAL - a guy who acts really cold to women just to get them to notice them. A quieter version of a contrasexual, usually because once they open their mouths, they have very little of any intelligence to say

NICOSEXUAL - that dinosaur of a guy who still thinks smoking makes him look more attractive

MOMASEXUAL - a guy who tries to impress you with his overwhelming knowledge of all things artistic. See also, Librosexual (...all things literary), Cinesexual (film), Vinosexual (wine), Gastrosexual (food), and spec., Ottosexual, someone who only dines at, or, more often the case, only knows about, restaurants owned by celebrity TV chefs

EXOSEXUAL, left - a guy who looks like they'd be great in bed on the outside, but once in the sack, alas, no.... Not to be confused with an...

OUTROSEXUAL - which is a guy who always, to women and to his guy friends, brags about his prowess, size, stamina, etc., but once in the sack, again, alas, no.... This is the guy that, when he sees an ex-lover at a party or a club, immediately wants to leave and offers no explanation why