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N THE EVENT THAT I do produce my own offspring, and any number of them happen to be female, I will have to sequester them from the outside, media-obsessed, "flaunt-it-if-you-got-it" mentality of the "women" of today who presently serve as role models to our young girls. Gone are the days of the empowered, intelligent, fighting-to-NOT-be-objectified, professionally-minded, demanding to be respected women of yesteryear, their struggles to be presented and accepted as equals in smarts, strength, and character, seemingly long forgotten.

In the 70s, 80s and 90s, America's young women--really, all youth--had female role models of mental and emotional maturity to look up, to respect, to admire, and to aspire to. Conversely, in this, the new millenium, 16-year old girls are only too grateful to have their daddies pay Paris Hilton up to $15,000 to have Miss Hilton appear at their daughters' sweet 16 party. Young women used to sing about "roaring" to be "heard"; now they boast about their "hips" and "humps". They used to fight--metaphorically--for equal rights, equal standing, equal treatment, and equal pay; now they fight--literally--for the attentions of an overaged, former rap star/jester named Flava Flav!

HIS WAS ON THE Today Show this morning, so it must be news: there is a new category of men that harkens back to the old qualities of men. This new type of man eschews prettification rituals such as pedicures and exfoliation. This new man has been agressively marketed to via, as I have mentioned before, meat-lovers pizzas and burgers, and sport-loving beer-drinking.

This new man has no idea of new hair care products nor has he a care in this season's shirts are about stripes or solid colors. This new man could not care less about earth tones, fusion cuisine, or 2-button versus 3-button blazers.

This new man, who woman are admitting they are finding the most attractive these days, is not a new man at all, but the old man. Out are the examples of David Beckham and Jude Law and in are present representations Russell Crowe and James Gandolfini.

Yes, gone are the days and incarnations of the Metrosexual (and my self-proclaimed "ghettrosexual" nights); today's epitome of desirable testosterone production is the "new" man, and he is called, the Retrosexual.

What I find most amusing about this development is that, by its very definition, the Retrosexual would be the very last person interested in any of this--"Don't define me, feed me!"--and would find no compliment in being labled as such.

But that would never stop the purveyors of pop culture from trying to spot, if not create, the next b ig thing. So here is a list of some future incarnations of men that we should all be on the look out for:

So, it seems the men of America are being "whipped" into remission. A new spate of ads have featured men defending different inherit facets of their manliness. Burger King has a new "Manthem" where adult boys proclaim their right to hate salads and quiche and prefer double cheeseburgers. Miller Lite presently has a campaign where men of various background, vocation and celebrity decide on and "write" new "Man Laws" (it seems the viewers are only witness to the beer-related sessions, although one of the new laws--"You poke it, you own it"--invites further interpretative scrutiny). And a recent Applebee's TV ad has three "meat-loving" guys giving scornful leers at a fourth's voiced appreciation for a "vegetable medley."

What has happened that guys feel a sudden need to defend behavior commonly ascribed to their sex for some, um, 65,000 years or so? What is this threat to their manhood and where did it come from?

Since the history of the spoken (or grunted) word, men and women have been speaking different languages. They've employed the same lexicography to almost antithetical ends. Some have seen a single word destroy decades-long relationships. How many times have I stood, vodka and cranberry-drenched, watching an otherwise rational woman walk away from me, leaving me to shrug, "What did I say?!"

Well, we all can do something about this unfortunate reality! To misappropriate a line from Jerry Maguire, "Help us help us!" So, what I'm asking is your help in putting together a dictionary to assist in the need for men and women to better understand what each other is saying. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the 2006 MALE-FEMALE/FEMALE-MALE DICTIONARY!

A majority of misundersting is in what many words mean to the respective gender. The word, NICE, for instance, could have two completely different meanings dependent on which sex says and/or hears it. If a girl says "you look nice" to a guy, it is usually a compliment. Ditto, perhaps, if a guy says it to a girl, but that is only if that compliment was unprompted. However, if a girl has spent 3 1/2 hours primping and preening and, presenting herself to you, asks how she looks, "you look nice" is hardly compensatory. It might render the balance of your romantic evening riddled with the well-documentated "Nothing!" as you repeatedly ask her what's wrong. (It's flip side best explained as when a guy asks his female partner to rate his sexual performance, and she responds with a placating "You were FINE.")

Other popular discrepancies of language between boys and girls include "What are you thinking?", "I'll call you", and even the term "dating". So let's clear all of this up for each other. Let us put together a dictionary to assist our understanding each other. We can make our romantic worlds a better place!

Here are a few examples:

LATE, adj.,
def.: tardy, not on-time
Male def.: (for a date) 5-10 minutes tardy for both the male and the female
Fem. Def.:(for a date) 10-12 seconds tardy for the guy, 45-50 minutes for the female
Related items: (If a party is going to be LATE): the male must call the female at least 30 minutes in advance to avoid scrutiny and scolding, the female need only call the male to make sure he is still waiting for her, regardless of how long he's been waiting!

ARGUMENT, noun,
def.: disagreement, the verbalization of strong differences of opinion
Male def.: disagreement, the verbalization of strong differences of opinion
Fem. def.: ANY thought, word or action that counters the will, want or wishes of the female
Related items: The female reserves the right to desist all conversations until the male first apologizes for the disagreement and then convincingly assents to her point of view

Now, obviously I'm a guy and those two examples smack of partisanship. This is supposed to be all very tongue-in-cheek, and welcome--implore--women to put in their two cents!

Have fun, possibly learn something, and remember that the priority is levity, not malice. I look forward to your submissions!